Having Better Conversations
Ever felt frustrated at the (lack of) quality of some conversations or felt shortchanged or manipulated after a chit chat session? Well, Marcus Vorwaller (Best Tool for the Job) has some good tips for improving the quality of conversations.
Hint: The best conversational tools are your ears:
Don’t be selfish. It sounds harsh, but it’s not as obvious or easy as it seems. Conversation is give and take. There are times when you should listen and times to talk. Doing too much of either is not conducive to good conversation. Listen carefully to the other person then state your opinions after you understand theirs. Even if you are giving advice or teaching someone something, the listening/talking ratio should generally be around 50/50. In the end, the time you feel like you’re “giving up” to listen leads to better conversation. Everyone wins.
Thanks to Lifehacker for the link.
My conversation monitor consists of the following:
1. I counter - how many times I use the word I in my conversation. If it feels like too many, it probably is. Unless the premise of the conversation is “I have a problem, I need to talk to you about it.”.
2. Silent mind - if I find myself composing a sentence as the other person is still finishing hers, then I know I’m not listening.
I’ve found the best way to be a listener is to do it over coffee. When the other person is talking, take a sip. It helps keep your mind (and ears) from straying. Although… if you’re having your conversation in a busy cafe with lots of interesting people buzzing by, sit facing the person and the wall.
Najah - I never met anyone so self-aware during conversations. My mind wanders too, at times, but only if what the other person is saying is raising red flags here and there.
I’m generally a bad listener and have the habit of interupting and coming up with solutions before my poor conversation partner can even finish venting.
However, recently I met someone who can go on and on and on (if I try to cut in, he will still continue talking). I think I’m getting better at listening because of him.
PY - this is probably because of your heavily tech leanings where solutions are everything!
I really want to have good conversation with people but I just never know what to talk about. I’m a very joking sort of person and I like to fit a little humor in to my life when ever I can but this hurt my coversations because my partner gets mad that I’m not being serious.
Craig - could it be because the humour is ill-timed or the subject of the humour is not appropriate perhaps?
My husband and I got together with another couple recently…talk about coming away unsatisified with the conversation!!! I’ll be in the middle of talking to her and she’ll turn her head and jump into the middle of her husband and my husband’s conversation. What can I do to command her attention??